$ 1 A Child B Adult; 2 A Parent B Parent; 3 A Child B Child 4 A Adult B Child 5 A Child B Parent 6 A Adult B Adult 7 critical Parent 8 loving Parent.
$ What have you observed?
$ If a Child talks to a Child, a Parent to a Parent and an Adult to an Adult, the communications goes smoothly.
$ That’s it. There is a concept of pure communication, say, a communicational paradise that we want to reach or where we want to get back. Look at how it works:
- recognize the level from which you communicate in a given moment
- realize with what level of your partner you want to communicate
- avoid the level of critical Parent
- solve problems and conflicts from the level of Adult
- let your Adult take time to prepare an answer; meanwhile, do not let either your rebellious Child or your critical Parent start to speak.
$ I need to think about it.
$ One more thing. These are the factors that block communication: 1. Educating; 2. Warning; 3. Giving sermons; 4. Ashaming; 5. Blaming, labelling, correcting; 6. Logical arguments; 7.Complimenting, praising; 8. One-upping. 9. Changing subject; 10. Calming down; 11. Advising, giving solutions; 12. Story-telling, shutting down; 13. Interrogating, explaining. Can you give me some examples from your life?
$ Ok. I talk to people about how tired I feel with the new country, the new language, the new work place. And what I hear is: you shouldn’t have emigrated. Or: you should get more sleep. As soon as I hear something like this I get angry and I finish the dialogue because I come to the conclusion that the other person has no idea neither about my dreams nor about the fact that the dreams that came true always look different from what you imagined.
$ Solution to one problem is the beginning of another problem. Let’s move on. The second way of blocking communication. Imagine the same situation: you talk about how tired you are of the all the new things in your new life.
$ And they say: take good care of yourself, watch out, you are likely to burn out. Or: you’ll see. The real problems haven’t come yet.
$ Has anybody warned you like that?
$ Luckily, no. You know, I had no illusion that changing the geography would change much, because wherever I go, I take myself with me. However, I was ready to do it and courageous enough to do it.
$ No doubt about it. Number 3.
$ There was a time I hadn’t been talking to my older brother for a couple of years. We didn’t have an argument actually. It was rather testing each other: who’s going to turn out to be a pimp first.
$ A pimp? You mean a wimp.
$ Right. That’s what I wanted to say. To be a wimp and hold out an olive branch first. I battled with my conscious over whether I should call him or not and sent him an email eventually. I was relieved when I could see there was no answer. And one day our old teacher, who knew both of us, met me in the street. We started to chat and he also asked me how my brother was. I told him the truth and he scolded me saying that the family was sacred, that I was supposed to call my brother and apologize. He added that it would do good to my humility.
$ A real sermon. Number 4.
$ It doesn’t block me in fact. Just the opposite: it motivates me to strike back, to take revenge, to discourage the other person from laughing at me again.
$ I doesn’t block you but it does block the communication. Can you recall a situation when somebody got blocked when people laughed at them?