Chapter VIII – Part 11

$ Right, you told me that Sami language of Norway, Sweden and Finland has around 180 snow and ice related words. Coming back to the question of changing the script. What do you think: if I have a loser’s or a nonwinner’s script, can I change it merely by doing everything contrary to what my family recommended?

$ Berne talks about something what he calls antiscript, a method you’ve just described. If your script says: you can take drugs as long as you live with your mummy, your antiscript would say: I stop taking drugs and I move to another continent. Your script: be a good girl and an excellent student; your antiscript: I will be a bad girl and I’m not going to study. There’s no free will in it, no own choice, no independent decision. From the outside it looks as if I weren’t doing anything my script dictates, inside myself I follow it the other way round. My script indicates my antiway. I mentioned that a spellbreaker was a beginning of the work. Here I need to introduce another concept from the transactional analysis.

$ What analysis?

$ Berne is a specialist in transactional analysis.

$ Ok.

$ Well, in everyone of us there are 3 levels: Inner Child, Inner Adult, Inner Parent. Inner Child is a part of me that acts like a child: it follows natural instinct, emotions, impulses. Inner Child can be natural, like a healthy baby whose needs are completely fulfilled, that experiences unconditioned love. Inner Child can also be rebellious or adapted. Or it can play the role of an Inner Professor. Inner Parent can be natural, too, nurturing, caring, loving or controlling.

$ Controlling parents raise adapted and rebellious children; natural parents raise natural children.

$ That’s the way it is.

$ Who raises Inner Professors?

$ Neglecting Parent, indifferent. The child needs to become adult very quickly.

$ I see. It happens in family then.

$ You copy the patterns from your family and apply them to develop your personality.

$ How does it go?

$ When you are a child and people around you praise you and encourage you, when you grow up you listen to the similar voices in your head. If the main message you remember from your childhood was: are you really so stupid or you are just faking? then the most frequent suggestion from your Inner Parent is: you are stupid. If your parents’ approach was carrot and stick: your manners are excellent, but you put your fork and your knife the way it touched the table and you mixed sugar with your tea very loudly, then your Inner Parent will keep on stating: do it better, earn more, lose more weight.

$ I feel devastated. All those Parents are in my head!

$ Have faith. Listen about the Inner Adult. When we are little we don’t know one can do it in a different way. For a baby, parents are gods. What they say is holy. After children grow up, they meet other families and start to see differences. Then they get to know other environments, they can tell the difference between what they like and what they don’t and once they are adult they can choose for themselves. And precisely the Inner Adult is a part of me that calculates, observes, comes to conclusions, chooses what it pays off to do, decides my fate. Inner Adult says: I can hear a voice in my head and I decide whether to follow it or not. Inner Adult understands that these voices are not them: they are their Inner Parent or Inner Child. When we are adult, the best solution is to act out from the level of the Inner Adult as often as possible and be a Loving Parent for yourself.

$ How do I do that?

$ If you don’t have an example in your closest family, you observe other happy families and learn from them. If a baby cries, their mummy gives them a hug, with empathy names their feelings, talks to them about their needs in a given moment and teaches them how to take care of their fulfillment, how to ask for help, how to accept that others have a right to say ‘no’.

$ And what about the Inner Child when I am adult?

$ This is a very, very important part of everyone of us. An adult person, bemused by the controlling parent, can spend all the time in their reason and avoid questions like: who am I? what is really important for me? what do I dream of? what fascinates me? They are robots in human bodies. The Inner Child reflects emotions, play, spontaneity. Do you know people who get plastered and change so much that you can hardly recognize them?

$ Sure.

$ They need their Inner Parent to get drunk so that the Inner Child can blow off steam.

$ I suppose there are less radical methods of cooperation with the Inner Child.

$ Indeed. And you know them. How do your children play?

$ They run, build sand castles, dance, sing, draw, talk to dolls and teddy bears.

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