Chapter VIII – Part 10

$ Lovely.

$ Finish spontaneously the sentence: I wish I…

$ I wish I hadn’t given up my University carrier and started working in the industry; all in all, I got back to the University.

$ And I regret…

$ Maybe. Maybe!!! I regret getting married.

$ I would like to invite you to test the following habit. In your agenda or in other accessible place put down a sentence like this: that’s what I did and I wouldn’t have it any other way. The habit consists in reading this sentence every time you hear yourself say ‘I wish’ or ‘I regret’ and realizing what you feel. It may also happen that you’ll see the results of working on this sentence only when you use it while talking to somebody who attacks you, e.g.: I wish you had sent your children to the school X. And you say: I sent them to the school Y. That’s what I did and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

$ How can it work?

$ Eventually you’ll realize that you are perfect the way you are. And that exactly all your experience, even when you sum it up with ‘I wish’ or ‘I regret’ got you to the place where you are now, to your excellence.

$ If only I could think so.

$ Have we got ‘if only’ in our chart?

$ Not exactly in our chart; under the chart it says: nonwinners: at least, ‘I’m sorry’ 80 times a day, if only.

$ So let’s get back to Eric Berne I mentioned at the beginning of our meeting. During many years of his medical practice he observed that people acted according to schemes which he called scripts. His scripts are based on fairy tales, stories, biographies of heroes and include script payoff, injunction, prescription and others. He also described spellbreakers which give you intend release and are a script antithesis.

$ So a script is not a sentence.

$ Of course not! For example, if your script is: don’t think – drink and ruin your life, your spellbreaker can be: you can stop drinking.

$ As easy as that? Does it work?

$ A spellbreaker is merely a beginning.

$ Somehow I expected that.

$ Coming back to the nonwinners. Berne noticed that there are 3 types of people: winners, losers and nonwinners. Consequently, there are winning, losing and nonwinning scripts. And what is essential while learning a language, your vocabulary reflects your script according to whether you’re a winner, a loser or a nonwinner. Berne also distinguishes various kinds of laughter and interprets body language, e.g. breathing, cough, sigh, yawn, grunt, sob. Generally, losers aka frogs don’t know what they will do when they lose and they talk about what they will do when they win. And winners aka princes or princesses know what they will do if they “lose” (in inverted commas) and don’t talk about it.

$ Why in inverted commas?

$ Because for a winner everything is a victory. This is a fascinating paradox: basically winners “lose” more often than losers because they test more options, separate the wheat from the chaff, choose what enriches their lives. After they cross the river, leave the boat at the river bank, go to the top of the mountain without the boat on their back. And losers are scared, they don’t take risks, consequently they lose less often.

$ And nonwinners?

$ This is a very interesting group. They are people who have everything they need to be successful, they work on it, however with no result.

$ And it all is reflected in the way we speak?

$ If not all, then at least a lot. Do you remember what you felt today when you started saying ‘I can do that’, ‘I am allowed not to do that’ etc.?

$ Yes, I was moved.

$ You started changing.

$ I can also start with changing my script and then they way I speak will change itself, won’t it?

$ The most important is you do it your way. Anyway, Benjamin Lee Whorf said: language shapes the way we think and determines what we can think about.

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