Chapter V – Part 4

Waitress: Hi, what can I get ya?

Harry: I’ll have a number three.

Sally: I’d like the chef salad please with the oil and vinegar on the side and the apple pie a la mode.

Waitress: Chef and apple a la mode.

Sally: But I’d like the pie heated and I don’t want the ice cream on top I want it on the side and I’d like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it if not then no ice cream just whipped cream but only if it’s real if it’s out of a can then nothing.

Waitress: Not even the pie?

Sally: No, just the pie, but then not heated.

Waitress: Uh huh.

Sally: What?

Harry: Nothing, nothing. So how come you broke up with Sheldon?

Sally: How you know we broke up?

Harry: Because if you didn’t break up you wouldn’t be here with me, you’d be off with Sheldon the wonder-schlong.

Sally: First of all, I am not *with* you, and second of all it is none of your business why we broke up.

Harry: You’re right, you’re right, I don’t want to know.

Sally: Well if you must know, it was because he was very jealous and I had these days-of-the-week underpants.

Harry: (imitates a wrong answer buzzer) uah! I’m sorry. I need a judge’s ruling on this…days-of-week underpants.

Sally: Yes. They had the days of the week on them and I thought they were sort of funny. And then one day Sheldon says to me, ‘You never wear Sunday’.

It’s all suspicious, where was Sunday, where was Sunday? And I told him and he didn’t believe me.

Harry: Why?

Sally: They don’t make Sunday.

Harry: Why?

Sally: Because of God.

(They’ve finished eating.)

Sally: (talking to herself) Ok, so fifteen percent of my share is ninety… six ninety. This leaves seven.

(To Harry) What? Do I have something on my face?

Harry: You’re a very attractive person.

Sally: Thank you.

Harry: Amanda never said how attractive you were.

Sally: Well may be she doesn’t think I’m attractive.

Harry: I don’t think it’s a matter of opinion, empirically you are attractive.

Sally: Amanda is my friend.

Harry: So?

Sally: So you’re going with her.

Harry: So?

Sally: So you’re coming on to me!

Harry: No I wasn’t. What?

(Sally is not impressed, jaw drops, wide eyes)

Harry: Can’t a man say a woman is attractive without it being a come-on?

Alright, alright, let’s just say just for the sake of argument that it was a come-on. What do you want me to do about it? I take it back, ok? I take it back.

Sally: You can’t take it back.

Harry: Why not?

Sally: Because it’s already out there.

Harry: Oh gees, what are we suppose to do, call the cops? It’s already out there.

Sally: Just let it lie, ok?

Harry: Great! Let it lie. That’s my policy. That’s what I always say, let it lie. Wanna spend the night at a motel? See what I did? I didn’t let it lie.

Sally: Harry.

Harry: I said I wouldn’t and I didn’t.

Sally: Harry.

Harry: I went the other way.

Sally: Harry.

Harry: What?

Sally: We are just going to be friends, ok?

Harry: Great! Friends! It’s the best thing.

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