Chapter V – Part 11

You realize of course that if you don’t fix your time management (assuming that this is the source of your linguistic challenges), it won’t work, even if I bring the most interesting text books or apply the most user-friendly methods.

$ Why this digression about time management?

$ Because “I have no time” sounds innocent. It may even be considered a compliment: I am so busy, so needed, there is such a demand for me. Nowadays, who dares say: “I have time”?

$ A Buddhist monk. A jobless person.

$ That’s the point. So having no time can be an attractive lid. What is there really in the pot? Boiling over?

$ I have no clue.

$ An answer to such a question can show up unexpectedly and in the most misappropriate moment, e.g. in a new stressful situation or when you are physically exhausted. It is easy to recognize that this is the answer because your body reflects it: suddenly you’re cold, about to faint, you feel like crying (in a movie, for instance), urgent call of nature. Or you compulsively eat sweets, drink alcohol, bite your nails, scratch a scab. It can keep on coming back to you and you need to rationalize or deny it, because nothing hurts like the truth, so it’s better to reject it. Who knows what would happen if I admitted it. As long as I don’t admit it, I am ok.

$ I still don’t know what my answer could be.

$ No wonder. We’re sitting here, in predictable circumstances, talking in a nice atmosphere, and you need surprise, shock, thrill to have such an epiphany.

$ It doesn’t appeal to me.

$ One day you told me about your primary school colleague. He didn’t take his A-level exams, didn’t graduate obviously. You met after many, many years.

$ Anthony?

$ The one who together with his father has been producing aerials and when they started export to the East, they became billionaires.

$ Anthony.

$ I remember exactly what you said about the way he complained about his car.

$ Yes, that cars are more and more expensive and he has to have a newest Mercedes E class every other year because if he visited his clients driving anything else, they would think his business is not doing very well. And?

$ Take some deep breaths, you can close your eyes and tell me what came to your mind.

…………………………………..

$ How are you?

$ I’m fine.

$ Look at your palms.

$ What’s wrong with them?

$ You clenched your fists and your jaws worked. Close your eyes very tightly, open them and your mouth at the same time. Open your mouth as wide as if you wanted to shout your head off. Two times more. Can you feel how tense your jaws were?

$ What is this all about?

$ Look, the body doesn’t lie. Sometimes it radiates with beauty and joy, sometimes it gets sick. When I asked you to think about Anthony, you clenched your fists and jaws. What came to your mind when you were sitting and thinking about him? Your body has already spoken, let your mind speak now.

$ I was pissed at him and at his fucking problems. I would be grateful for such fucking problems, that I have to fucking buy a new fatten Mercedes every other year. I got so mad that I could have strangled her with my bare hands Who the fuck is he? Some dust that knows nothing, employs a finance specialist because he can’t count from 1 to 3 and a lawyer because he can’t put down a subordinate clause.

$ You are so outraged.

$ No, I just find it doesn’t make sense: such a zero is a billionaire and me with my PhD, two master’s degrees, I live on a shoestring.

$ Do you think that is the stew boiling over under the lid of shortcomings in time management?

$ How’s that?

$ There is one approach that says: everything I come across in my life is my reflection: people, situations, things.

$ Again, I don’t get it.

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