Chapter IX – Part 10

$ Somebody objected to working on proactive vs reactive language.

$ Exactly. Let me continue. You’re forced to wake up, to get up in order to fulfill needs, cravings and caprices of little creatures who either scream or cry or crawl into your bed and slap you as strongly as their little hands can, without taking into account where they hit or press with their fingers – well, they’re not aware of physical definition of pressure. Imagine that you have had the same conversation for a year, for two years, for three years. You try to learn how to educate them, but in fact regardless of what you say, eventually everyday often at the same hour you start preaching the same, you pronounce the same sentences which reflect the first symptoms of your helplessness. You have read a pile of psychological books that explained to you that these creatures, in spite of the fact that they look the way you do, are determined by different rules. You may say you are aware of this difference, but … the feeling of helplessness is overwhelming. You act irrationally, because on a rational level you know a lot, especially as far as what you would like to do is concerned. However it’s the constant exhaustion that makes you oversensitive to external stimula which results in overreacting. You realize that and it makes the whole thing worse. You start having bad conscious. Unfortunately, that’s how we have been programmed. I would compare it to people who are about to drown: they tend to put hands up, which only aggravates the situation. But I think everybody would do exactly the same. Impulsively. I’m sure there are people who are conscious and try to act differently and certainly they succeed. Probably no parent would like to do anything against their child’s will, but who can tell me something to help me remember that all the time and implement that every day, always, every moment, regardless of how tired I am or ill, devastated, frustrated every time I think I failed while working on myself? Show me one person who hasn’t promised: I’ll never act like my parents, I’ll never say this or that to my children. I don’t know anyone who kept promise like this. Knowing what I know, having experienced what I have experienced, if I could turn back the time, I wonder whether I would decide to become a mother or not. You can’t come to a conclusion like this without a relevant experience. Most parents would probably say they don’t imagine their life without their kids. It’s probably because they don’t dream much and have suppressed their need to act, create, be free. One day I was taking a bus with my son and my mother-in-law. My mother-in-law and my son got off on a bus station and I was supposed to continue the trip. My child started to scream and shout and cry, he didn’t want to get off. When they finally did, an elder lady said to me: ‘it is so nice to be loved’. Right. There are such moments, but you are so physically and mentally exhausted that it’s difficult for you to spot them. Besides, I’m not so sure you need them to be happy.

$ It’s not your text, isn’t it?

$ It doesn’t matter whose text it is. I have read it to you so that you know you’re not alone.

$ I feel glum when I realize that I don’t appreciate what I have. Recently, a friend of mine sent me an email: I regret to inform you that the baby will not be coming. owing to a heart defect, more specifically a VSD, the fetus has not developed properly. The doctor says it is only a matter of time before the heart stops beating. My wife will go into hospital tomorrow for one more test, I suspect (it’s been like this for the last month, always one more test). It’s been sad but we are pulling through calmly now, seeing things in the wider perspective. I didn’t have to experience any of these: no miscarriage, no serious illness, and I’m not able to enjoy that.

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