Chapter III – Part 8

$ They ask directly for what they need. Or even demand. They don’t spend much time on word choice. They are convinced they deserve their needs be met right this moment. When they can hear a ‘no’, they start negotiating and if in spite of their negotiations they don’t get what they want, they have it all their own way, they get it from somebody else.

$ And how do givers behave in such situations?

$ For example me, I don’t like asking. In my opinion, if people know me, like me, love me, cooperate with me, they conjecture what I need and I leave them freedom to choose the moment when they want to give it to me. But there’s something else I do, which I hate in myself. Say, somebody can detect that I need something and before they meet my need they want to make sure whether I want this or that. And instead of saying: ‘yes, that’s what I want’ or ‘no, I don’t want this, I want something else’ I say: ‘do as you wish’, ‘please yourself’. And I hate myself for every ‘do as you wish’, ‘please yourself’. What is worse, I’m not always sure what I really want.

$ And when you can hear a ‘no’, do you feel rejected and…

$ … unloved, disappointed, lonely. I hide my tail under my bottom like a scared puppy and I meet my need myself.

$ It is so stressful. How do you like breaking such tensions?

$ Eating sweets.

$ That’s another reason why I want to continue the subject of givers and takers with you. The most important reason is that from my observation givers come across more difficulties making progress in learning foreign languages than takers. Takers, when they decide to learn a language, organize their outside world in such a way that everything favors it: they convince their employer to invest in them, they want the teacher to come to their place or they say to the supervisor: ‘boss, I can’t do overtime because if I do, I won’t come to the class on time and our company paid for the class’. At home they say: ‘for some time I won’t participate in house chores because I’m learning’. That is why you are (and I am!) interested in your learning how to take. Coming back to eating sweets. Well, everybody who feel exhausted need to refill the source of energy. Takers go to givers and get nourished with their admiration, care, empathy, ability to listen. Givers are willing to nurture them, give them hugs, satisfy sexually. When givers see that their beloved takers are in stress, they won’t say ‘no’, because he needs me, she needs me. When givers need support, care, tenderness, takers are assertive and give it to the givers or NOT. Takers assume that since we are all adults, everybody takes care of themselves, choosing whether they want to do it on their own or with a little help of others. And when givers don’t get what they expect, they find the easiest consolation possible and moderately cheap…

$ … food.

$ Right. Food gives them a boost, power to do too many tasks that givers in their generosity have taken on their shoulders, feeling of security, substitute of a coming back to the relationship with the nurturing mother.

$ Stop it! I feel like crying.

$ Here’s the tissue.

……………………………………………………………………

$ My whole make up is destroyed. I will leave class early, come back home and make up again.

$ What would takers do?

$ They would enjoy the class to the very end – they paid for it in advance, didn’t they? They would call the office and say: ‘I’ll show up a bit late’. They wouldn’t explain too much why and how long time a bit lasts.

$ Are you often late for work?

$ Once, twice a year. And if I am supposed to do something in our office hours, I know it in advance, so that we can organize everything correctly in due time.

$ So be late today. Not for the make up’s sake, not because of our class, just for fun: what is it like to play the role of a taker? Every opportunity to practice is a good enough pretext to make your life more satisfactory. Can you handle this?

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