Chapter III – Part 13

$ You tormented this innocent creature!

$ Me? Torment?

$ She cried.

$ She contacted something that moved her a lot. Do people cry only when they are tormented?

$ O! Can we adjust the attitude? From the way you snubbed at me I deduce you both must have worked on something vital for each of you. And what can I see? You bit a nail! Tell me all about it!

$ We started working on the givers vs takers stuff. This subject still wakes up the demons of my past.

$ Where did it hurt today?

$ Relationships with men. And you know, those memories are so awful that when I remember things it seems impossible to me that something like this happened to me. I have the impression I’m watching a bad quality horror film.

$ You feel disgust.

$ And helplessness of that previous me. The only thing I could do in order to protect myself at that time was to break it up.

$ In your opinion, what did you lack at that time?

$ Ability to detect fuckwits. Or more patience to get to know a given man better before I got involved. And courage to be single. And joy of being single. And a distance to questions related to founding my own family. And love for myself. Unconditioned love. And conviction that I am the same valuable person regardless of my marital status and the number of my kids. And that I am the same wonderful partner regardless of whether I can cook or not. And that the division of labor into male and female tasks is a relic.

$ You did a great job. You shot herds of demons as if you shot flocks of ducks.

$ I remember my first breakthrough, my first insight. It was when I was talking to my cat. I have her spayed when she was young. She has never had children. One day we were cuddling and I asked a rhetorical question: I wonder how you would feel in the role of a mother. And she said: It doesn’t make sense to think about it. I will never become a mother and it doesn’t hinder in any way to enjoy my erotic life large-scale. And my life generally, either. Family constellations were a turning point, too. I worked on something not related to men in my life. The moderator told me to choose my mum, my dad, me, my brother and my sister. He asked my representative: How are you? She said: It’s so hot, I’m trembling all over. The moderator commented: No wonder. You’re staying in the wife’s place.

$ You used to be very much connected to you father.

$ Yes, I did.

$ And you were able to “get a divorce”. One can get tired at the very listening to the story of your achievements.

$ Let’s change the subject.

$ I am pretty sure something is still squeezing you and you want to run away from yourself under the first veil available. Even without a veil.

$ You’re right. You know, I catch myself playing the role of a victim in my thoughts.

$ That is not fair. People who are less intelligent and/or more ugly have had happy relationships for a long time and they needn’t have to go through this. They experienced child birth when they were young.

$ You’re wonderful. You make me realize how I am whining.

$ Translate it into the winners’ language, please.

$ Exactly this experience led me to the place where I am now and I wouldn’t have it any other way. My husband is the perfect husband for me. It paid off to wait for him. I became a mother in the most appropriate age for me.

$ That is the real present you.


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