$ Am I supposed to look forward to rows? That is exactly what the most I’m afraid of.
$ If you are able to look forward to something unpleasant in your life, you’ll achieve mastery because you don’t fight obstacles anymore, you let them go with the flow. Fight reinforces what you fight against. Fight demonizes what you fight against. When you look forward to calamities, you trust yourself, you believe you can make it and that in the meantime you’ll grow. You know then that you’re ready to leave your comfort zone. Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. So I say ‘no’ to somebody, they insist, put pressure and I start rubbing my hands thinking: O, I’m on the right path!
$ I can hardly imagine that.
$ A client of mine, a classical giver: always smiling, ready to help others, she never complained and had been fighting against her overweight since I remember.
$ Fight reinforced what she fought against.
$ Wow! So this client told me how determined she had been to learn how to take. Her life was filled with frustration to such a level that the worm has turned. First, she had arguments about everything, she used many f… words while quarrelling, she was aggressive, people were scared of her, commented in an indecent way: she needs a schlong. When she “dis-angered” all her angers – I don’t mean I approve of the way she did it – she became softer. Hardly ever did she interpret a refuse as a natural disaster. She used to have bad conscious when she took care of meeting her needs but in time the remorse disappeared. And one day she send me a postcard from her holiday saying: I don’t know how it happened, I don’t know when it happened, anyway I got transformed from a giver into a taker.
$ Any details?
$ For a couple of weeks she rented a floor in a mountain house. Common bathroom, common kitchen, no contract, black market. The price included the costs. In fact, neither the owners specified what costs it included, nor was she very inquisitive about it. Anyway, one week after she moved in they suggested it was her turn to buy washing powder. She didn’t need to think much to draw their attention to the fact that she was one person and they were four people. And that she paid for one floor including costs. They tried to explain that in all mountain houses costs included water, heating and electricity and that she was supposed to pay extra for the rest. And she knew, without a slightest doubt, that it didn’t refer to her because she lived in THAT house and not in ALL mountain houses. There was also a story of the toilet paper. One roll was over, my client asked the owners, where there was more and they answered: there’s no more. I’ll buy more when I can. She didn’t comment that, she didn’t let anybody provoke her, encourage to discussing unproductively. In her opinion, the story was not about her; the story was about the owners. What is the most interesting, she felt profoundly grateful to the owners for this experience. She went for a mountain trip, she got some toilet paper in the place she had lunch (just in case) and it turned out to be unnecessary because when she came back there was a new roll of toilet paper and much supply, too. And there’s a punch line.
$ What is it?
$ It all happened in German, a foreign language she had been learning for two years at that time.
$ Hats off!
$ There’s another punch line.
$ Tell me.
$ She lost 12 pounds during that holiday. We are about to end our meeting and I’m going to show you an example of a letter. I suggest reading it as long as you need to learn it by heart. As I said: it’s only an example. Either you notice it serves you or you’ll write a letter of your own.
My dear Excess,
With taking into account some breaks, you have been keeping me company since my childhood. Your presence does not serve my life, does not enrich it, that is why today I am telling you to move out. I have a right to open up for happiness (although the perspective of happiness frightens me), for real problems, difficult emotions and challenges. I have a right to make my life easier, to relax in a healthy and creative way, live my life to the full. I open up for an unknown heaven, I say goodbye to the well known hell. I choose responsibility for the way I look.
Your ex – Ann